Jasper And Esme: A Tale Of A Psycho And His Mother
by TheRealJacobImprint
Summary: Okay so not everyone can be perfect. But think of the last Cullen you would expect to be running amuck in red capes and swords. That's right; you guessed it- Jasper Hale, himself.
1. The Hardware Store

**Hey, guys. Sorry, my longer story Temptation is a total mind blank atm so me and a friend wrote this during English. as you do. oh and there is a little comic that goes along with it. post it soon. This is a one-shot only :)**

**disclaimer: the only thing i own is jasper's red cape xD**

**ESPOV**

_(Esme is standing in the Forks Hardware Store)_

I stared up at the tall shelf, hoping there was a colour here that would match the living room wall.

'Hmmmm...' I mused and reached out for a creme coloured tin.

'Esme?' A voice interrupted. I turned to find myself face to face with Jasper. Strange, he should be hunting with his brothers today.

'Oh hey, Jazz' I replied casually, trying to inch away from the paint cans. Vampires plus any permanent staining liquid equals Not Good.

He seemed just as surprised as I was.

'What are you doing here, Mom?' He asked suspiciously and I raised an eyebrow. Strange, strange boy.

'Picking up some paint.' He looked relieved, which only made me more nervous.

'Why, though?' Gosh, was it so illegal for me to get out of the house once in a while? Apparently so.

'Emmett and Rose,' I sighed. The answer was simple enough.

'Oh.' Jasper replied. We both shuddered at the thought of the two and how exactly they _did _manage to ruin my walls.

And then it struck me, yet again.

'Ah, so why are you here, Jasper?' It was all very odd. And to say he overreacted was an understatement.

'NOTHINGGG!' he screamed suddenly. 'NOOOO!! BACK OFF, WOMAN!'

Oh...

I sighed.

'Just be home by six.' As I retreated to the registers, his mumbling grew louder.

As I made it to the young check out boy, loud screaming and laughter echoed from outside.

'What the-?' The boy exclaimed and we turned just in time to see Jasper, red caped, whizzing a trolley a hundred miles an hour past the main window.

I exhaled slowly.

The boy turned back to me, shocked.

'Is that your son, miss?'

'Yes,' I replied, reluctantly.

'And this has happened before?'

I turned to see Jasper, pressed up against the glass, police putting handcuffs around his wrists. He was screaming something along the lines of; 'YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!'

I shook my head, turning back to the youngen. 'You have no idea.'


	2. M Newton, Swords & Killing Edi Gathegi

**Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who reviewed, read and favourite 'Jasper and Esme In The Hardware Store.'!!! Due to popular demand, i have another chapter!! ooh you lucky Cullen-loving-kiddies! Warning, rating is for very mild language and violence. Oh and did I mention extremely OOC? well duh.**

**Disclaimer: yessmm, Stephenie Meyer is our god. :)**

**Enjoy, lovelies :)**

**M. Newton, The Sword and Killing Edi Gathegi.**

**ESPOV**

As I closed the garage door slowly, there was a thud and a frustrated growl. I paused. I knew that groan anywhere.

As suspected, I found Jasper, rolled up in a ball and looking rather proud of himself, crouched behind Edward's Volvo. I was kind of concerned now.

'Oh hey, Esme.' he said awkwardly when I discovered him. He whizzed past me, but not before I noticed the rather large grocery bag hidden in his now shriveled cape.

'Ahem, Jasper? What's that you've got there?' He stared at me for one minute, his eyes growing wide, then darted off into the house. Now I was defiantly scared.

Leaving the three cans of paint in Carlisle's anti-vampire-safe, I climbed the stairs and found Nessie covered in feathers, Jacob utterly gobsmacked at her side, standing just on the landing.

I blinked.

'What on earth?' I asked, looking around. There were faint mumbles echoing from nearby, but I was sure Jasper was safely away in his hideyway or as the rest of us know it as: the attic.

Nessie sneezed and turned to me, looking dizzy. 'Grandma, I don't even know what ...' she was lost for words, still in shock. Jacob looked just as confused, rubbing a noticeably large lump on his head.

'All I remember is walking up the stairs with Jake and suddenly Jasper was there and he hit Jake and then it all went dark.' Renesmee was babbling away now, I guessed she was okay.

But of course, Jasper had been involved. My eyes narrowed.

'I'll take care of this, don't you worry.' They both nodded, and turned away.

'Oh and Jacob?' he whizzed around to face me again. 'Don't you dare think about _that. _Bella told me about my pillows on the honeymoon.' Jacob was confused now, even more.

All i heard was tremendous laughter coming from Edward's room. And possibly Emmett and Rose's.

'I'll tell you when you're older,' I assured him and he frowned. 'Um, okay??'

Now to find Jasper.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**JPOV**

Oh, crap! That had been a close one! It was getting harder these days, with all these extra people about, to sneak large objects up multiple staircases. Lucky I had a club and a fluffy pillow, otherwise Renesmee and the wolf would have taken the pride for themselves. THAT COULD NEVER HAPPEN! Mmmm, nice and fluffy pillow!

_Jazz, focus. Now we have to get to Mike Newton's shop. And then onwards to Gifts For The Geek._

The squeaky voice inside my head told me, and I nodded. Be the vamp-ninja see the vamp- ninja.

I removed my red cape and chucked it in the laundry basket. But I hesitated. Alice did the washing on Thursdays. Shiiz.

Well there was only one option now. It will be cruel, indeed it would. But, as I picked up the lighter Emmett bought me last birthday, I was determined. Destroy the evidence. 'Goodbye, my love!' I cried and let that beautiful piece of fabric burn in my hands.

Okay, now to sneak past Alice and on to the garage. This would be difficult.

I climbed down the ladder from my Hideyway and switched the ninja style. I tore a shred of material from my bland shirt and wrapped it around my head. Now I could be invisible to anyone.

'Hiya!' I cried as someone approached. As they rounded the corner I saw it was only Bella. Borriinnggg.

'Oh hey, Jasper.' She said, and threw daisies at me. My eye twitched. Eh?

'Isn't it such a glorious day? I feel like a picnic with a nice pleated rug and my beautiful family and-" I edged cautiously around her as she continued to skip down the hallway, little forest animals and daisies following her. What a strange kid, I thought, shaking my head.

Finally, I made it to the garage. Oh crap, another friggin' family member. I recognised Rosalie's "working" jeans sticking out from underneath Emmett's Jeep.

'Whoever that is,' she called, threateningly. 'Don't even think about touching anything on that toolbox if you wanna keep your hands.'

Gosh, this family was getting weird. I stayed silent as I jumped into Alice's Porchse. I started it, revving the engine loudly.

Rosalie continued to mutter as the door rolled up, and I zoomed away.

I made it to the Newton's minutes before closing time. Mike stood behind the counter, punching numbers into the register, angrily. Muahah, this would be better than expected.

I walked in smugly, strolling amongst the aisles casually. The Newton boy obviously sensed my smugness.

'Jasper Hale?' He asked, arrogantly. I turned around, faking surprise.

'Oh, Mike. How lovely to see you!' His eyes narrowed and he put a hand on his hip. 'What do you want?'

I sighed, okay so this isn't too fun with Mr Sookie La-La.

'Fine, ' i mumbled, punching him playfully in the shoulder. He sort of collapsed. Oops, too hard.

I grabbed the sword I needed and ran from the shop, hoping no one noticed the sort of large whole i left in the glass window when i jumped through it. Nahh, they wouldn't.

I kept running, leaving the Porchse back in the parking space. It would be fine there until Alice came on her murderous rampage to find me. Meh.

So, I ran all the way down the street to this random store called _Gifts For The Geek_. Self Explanatory really. But, I didn't seem to miss the crowd of 50, 000 screaming girls screaming their lungs out as a shiny limo approached. I joined in, wanting to be cool. After a short wait, two men jumped from the car. One looked alot like Emmett. His hair was blond though, and I'm afraid to say he was human. Odd. The girls were screaming, 'KELLAN! KELLAN, I LOVE YOU!' Again, in my quest to 'fit in' I joined them. The man named Kellan just looked at me, slightly afraid. He passed by.

The second human to emerge was someone they were referring to as 'Edi Gathegi'. Okay no kidding now, but I swear to god, it was Laurent. Grabbing my sword, I pulled the plastic from it and jumped out at him.

'HOW ARE YOU ALIVE!?? 'I screamed and he returned the favour, jumping back like a little girl. 'Chill man, ' he said and tapped me on the shoulder. The girls watched on, amazed that celebrities could speak and act normally. Screaming followed. Edi nodded at the security guards and they allowed me inside. Phew.

Okay, now to find The Ring. But, as I neared the back of the store, a familiar face obscured my vision. Oh shiz, not again.

'Jasper!!!' Esme yelled over the screams. 'We've been tracking you all over town! What the hell is going on?!' The crowd died down to listen to our argument. Both vampires became suddenly nervous.

'Will you hold that thought for a moment, mother?' I asked her, drawing out my sword again. She rested her head in her hands. 'Oh, no.' She mumbled.

I darted through the people and found just who I was looking for. 'HIYYYAA!' I screamed, shoving the sharp blade through that guy, Edi's chest. He screamed like a kitten fell to the ground, dead.

'WHAT THE FU**!' Esme screamed, and I giggled at her curse word.

She looked terrified, at me and then down to the corpse that lay before us.

I tapped my chest with both my hands twice and extended my arms. (Gangsta, style)

'AND THAT'S FOR ALMOST KILLING BELLA, FOOL!' I shouted in my best homie-dog accent.

Esme's eye twitched.


	3. Paint, Maids & The Final Showdown

**Hello, leetle munchikins, we're back for another chapter! Luckkaayyyy!**

**Okayyyy! sorry for the long AN. But this is the last one :( SORRYYY!! But my creative flow is starting to return for Temptation. YAYYY!!!**

**So, here we find out what Jasper has been planning all along! OOOhh, you will never ever guess what!!! It'll be good!**

**HeHeHe hope you enjoy :)**

**  
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**Paint, Maids and The Final Showdown**

**ESPOV**

From here I only saw one option. To run. Grabbing Jasper's hand we whizzed from the store, leaving on-lookers gaping. Jasper was still trying to finish stabbing 'Laurent' so I threw him into Carlisle's Mercedes with extra force.

'Ow, Esmeeeee!' He whined and I growled at him. He cowered in his seat.

'Look, Jasper. We can just go around killing celebrities. I mean look what happened when Edward killed James? Remember all those mentally challenged fans that were after us for weeks on end?!' he nodded, shuddering.

'So, now we're gonna go home, have a nice bath and relax, okay?' Jasper stubbornly folded his arms and stared out the window.

'OKAY!!??' I screamed and he jolted, nodding quickly.

I sighed, relaxing already.

When we reached the mansion again, Jasper jumped from the car immediatly, running up to his room without a backwards glance. I felt horrible now. Carlisle was standing on the porch, arms folded tightly against his chest. Crap.

'Esme! I just got a call from Mrs Newton, what's this about a yellow Porchse sitting outside their store? She said Jasper knocked out Mike! I thought you were taking him to the Zoo today?' His face was a bit frightening but I sort of laughed at the flaw in my lie. Jasper at the Zoo, classic.

I got out of the car and grabbed the sword that Jasper had left in the backseat.

'Here.' I gave it to Carlisle who took it gingerly. It was soaked in human blood. I hadn't breathed yet.

We walked slowly back into the house, and I suddenly remembered the paint. As if right on clue, there sat Renesmee, Bella, Edward and Jacob, covered in cream paint, looking guilty. The safe was hanging on it's hinges. I growled.

'Oh hi, Esme.' said Edward quickly, jumping to his feet. The other three looked nervous. Carlisle stood at my side, amazed.

'How did you even manage to open that?' He said, pointing to the safe which suddenly exploded into a shower of dust. I winced, more cleaning.

Edward looked down at Jacob who shook his head quickly. Then Edward's face turned smug.

'Carlisle, I'm no dob, but think about it. It's an Anti- _Vampire _safe.' Carlisle sighed.

'Thank you, Jacob.' He said sarcastically, and walked away, mumbling about 'stupid imprints'.

The four started to leave the room but I stopped them, a plan forming in my mind. They winced at my evil grin. 'Uh, oh.' said Edward, already catching on.

'I'll go find a mop, he sighed.

* * *

**JPOV**

An hour later, after the alloted 'sad period', I decided to go downstairs and face my family. The squeaky voice in my head screamed at me not to, but I screamed back at him, louder.

I met Carlisle halfway down the staircase and he shook his head, looking frightened.

'Trust me, son. Don't go down there.'

Of course, my curiosity got the better of me.

As I reached the bottom, I saw the most beautiful sight.

The entire family, minus Carlisle and Esme, stood in frilly pink aprons, each holding a mop. I burst out into laughter and they frowned at me. Esme stood there, Margarita in hand sipping at it delicatly.

'You missed a spot,' She called to Emmett, who looked like a bear wearing a tiny tea towel. It had me R-O-F-L-I-N-G. Once I regained control, Esme turned to me with a kind smile.

'Now, Jasper. I understand you have some business to attend to?' I raised an eyebrow and she gestured towards the front door.

'As I said, be back by six.'

I hugged her, gratefully and grabbed my own little apron, just as a souvenier. Jacob, Edward and Emmett snickered as I tied it on.

'Hey, at least I have the ass to pull it off.' That shut them up, immediatly.

I was out the door and headed back into Forks immediatly.

I reached my destination, ready to rock this shizz.

Of course, after my last little 'freakout' I had a disguise. I wore a wig that unfortunatly looked alot like that retard (**no offence fans**) Amy Winehouse's, a cute little leotard and some killer heels. Sure, I may look like a prostitute but the boys couldn't keep their eyes off me. There went the rest of my dignity.

So, I tottered into the Hardware Store once again, and noticed a rather large poster on the door. It was me. It read: 'Have You Seen This Boy, Wanted For Police Questioning.' Ohhhh shiiizzzz.

I nervously continued down the aisle and found just what I needed; Barbie dolls.

I never quite figured out why this was the only place in Forks you could get them but, I shrugged and got two. They matched my outfit.

I ran up to the register, not even slipping once. Cool, maybe i should do this more often. Or maybe not, judging by the look the boy is giving me now. He shrugged and scanned my dolls.

'That's $12, sir.' I gave him the money and ran from the shop, hoping no one noticed.

I made it home by 5.59, as per Esme's demands. Now to unveil my plan to the world! Muhaha!

When I strolled through the front door, the children had just finished cleaning.

'He, He He,' I laughed, pointing at Emmett who sat exhausted on the couch.

They looked up as I entered and were on the floor in hysterics. Fiinnee, if that's how it is.

'Esme?' I asked, shyly and she almost peed her pants (not literally) at my outfit. I waited.

'Yes, Jasper?' She asked, her giggles barely contained. I pulled out my dolls and a video camera. 'Where can I set up? I have something to show you all!' Everyone was still laughing but Esme took the camera from me and put it on the table. The family gathered on the sofa and waited for me to begin. I took a deep breath and pressed play on the stereo.

_All the single ladies, all the single ladies  
All the single ladies, all the single ladies  
All the single ladies, all the single ladies  
All the single ladies_

I knew the dance off by heart, I had even got the ring from Gifts For The Geek. The disguise had really been my costume. I was ready. My day had revolved around this moment.

_Now put your hands up  
Up in the club, we just broke up  
I'm doing my own little thing  
Decided to dip and now you wanna trip  
Cause another brother noticed me_

_I'm up on him, he up on me  
Don't pay him any attention  
Just cried my tears, for three good years  
Ya can't be mad at me_

_Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it  
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
Don't be mad once you see that he want it  
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
Oh, oh, oh_

_If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it  
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
Don't be mad once you see that he want it  
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it_

_I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips  
Got me tighter in my Dereon jeans  
Acting up, drink in my cup  
I can care less what you think_

_I need no permission, did I mention  
Don't pay him any attention  
Cause you had your turn and now you gonna learn  
What it really feels like to miss me_

_Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it  
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
Don't be mad once you see that he want it  
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
Oh, oh, oh_

_If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it  
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
Don't be mad once you see that he want it  
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
Oh, oh, oh_

_Don't treat me to the things of the world  
I'm not that kind of girl  
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve_

_Here's a man that makes me then takes me  
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond  
Pull me into your arms, say I'm the one you own  
If you don't, you'll be alone  
And like a ghost Ill be gone_

_All the single ladies, all the single ladies  
All the single ladies, all the single ladies  
All the single ladies, all the single ladies  
All the single ladies  
Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh_

_Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it  
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
Don't be mad once you see that he want it  
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
Oh, oh, oh_

_If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it  
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
Don't be mad once you see that he want it  
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
Oh, oh, oh_

I finished, panting with effort. The family sat there, stunned beyond words. And then all that was heard was Bella, shaking her head and clapping slowwwwllyyy.

* * *


End file.
